Sunday, August 12, 2007

just keep swimming

I'm going to try and keep this brief. If I don't, I'm liable to go on for far longer than I should and far longer than is healthy.

I worked this morning. I shelved books, helped customers find books, and, when I got the chance, talked with a co-worker I have grown fond of faster than I should have. It was her last day...sort of. I found out she's staying on, just working one day a week now. Still, I know I won't see her as much, and that makes me sad. Initially I saw in her a girl I could have something more than a friendship with, but in the short few weeks we've talked, I've learned that that might not be possible. And I'm ok with that, I really am; in her I see a friend. I see a friend I can get to know better. I see a friend I can talk with, sit around and discuss literature, film, science, history, philosophy, whatever. She knows more than I on many subjects, I know more than her on others, and on more subjects still we're equally uneducated beyond what we've read in our spare time...but that's what makes the discussions so heartwarming and delightful to me.

I was also introduced to the song "Hey There Delilah," by Plain White T's...that's another entry, though.

As I said, I'm trying to keep this brief. Already I can see I'm failing.

What I meant to say was that I'm satisfied with just being friends with her. This happened recently with another girl to whom I have a long, beautiful, and painful past with. I am again happy to have her as a friend. I love her more than I can express in the purest way and wish her the best in her chosen career - I know she'll excel at it as I've seen the needed traits in her, and they're a part of what make her a girl I still love. But, that's another story and one I won't tell here. It's something too close to my heart, and something that will stay there. I love her still - I always will, and I can't imagine that could ever change - but I am not in love with her.

I cleaned my room today after work. It took a good part of the day doing laundry and washing my sheets. I also put together a frame for my bed so it looks more complete and less thrown together. It feels wonderful lying in my bed, satin sheets freshly washed, all my clothes hung in my closet or folded in my dresser, all the trinkets I've collected scattered around my desk, and a note that I found, now taped to my wall. I found the note in a drawer, and honestly I don't know where it came from. It's in my handwriting but I don't remember ever writing it. It's a blue, square piece of paper, and in black ink it says:

Let her go.

Which is what I need to do in my life. It was written about a specific girl; the way it's written, the piece of paper itself, and the fact that I've hung onto it make that obvious to me. What wasn't obvious at the time was what it means to me, what it embodies. That alone is my philosophy on life; I just need to let go. I need to let go of her. I need to let go of worry and doubt. I need to let go of the facades. I need to just let go. By holding on to these things I cling to the past, hoping to relive happier times and days when the future seemed so certain, so wonderful. I can't move forward while holding to the past any better than I can swim across a lake while staying on the shore; I need to let go. I want to let go.

I'm glad I kept that piece of paper. As I said, it's on my wall, across my desk, always there to remind me of what happened in the past while at the same time reminding me not to hold onto it. The past is beautiful, it should be remembered - especially if there's someone you love in those memories - but there's a difference between remembering and clinging. I want to remember. I don't want to cling.

With that, I resolve to let her go. The piece of paper was written about a single girl, but it applies to more girls than her and more than relationships in general. I've let her go. I'm going to keep swimming.

[I may add images to this later if any come to mind. At the moment, I think the text itself gives the correct atmosphere.]


Spiff said...

Hey Tim,

I found your blog through CAD.

I remember feeling the same way going through school. My life felt like it was in limbo and in flux at the same time. Friends waltzed in and out of my life to a fairly regular drumbeat (transfers, graduations, etc). In particular were the girls that I would date off and on.

I finally came to the conclusion that, honestly, I wasn't ready for that yet. I had a lot of things that I needed to get done first before I was ready to start looking for a mate. And if I wasn't looking for a mate, what was the point of dating? It was just a drain on my finances and my time, both of which were in short supply then.

Honestly, you don't need to shy away because she's a girl. Ask her to go with you on a park picnic or something fun. Doesn't need to be a date. Just be a friend. More friends are never a bad thing.

Anonymous said...

cheer up emo kid :-)

Krusty said...

I was at holiday when you did this.

And I have to say, take my perspective on life, become a mysogynist! Follow the Mac Hall path! Free yourself of the vaginal tyranny!

I might love women but I can still hate them for what they do to me...