Saturday, April 5, 2008

Facepalm

Admittedly, I may have been a bit harsh on my siblings in the last post. Yes, I found what they said insulting, but I think they meant what they said either innocently or with the best of intentions.

I think the reason it struck home is simply because I feel like everytime I need to ask my father for help, I feel like I'm letting him down. I feel like I'm a disappointment, and by them offering me help, I feel like they're disappointed in me and feel they need to help me out so I'm no longer a stain on the family name.

I've always been the black sheep of the family, but not financially. I have a different taste in music, a different idea of fun, a different idea of style (although that's changing; their ideas of style, not mine), and just an all around different way of looking at life. I never felt like I was different financially, though. I always thought I was holding my own, and I suppose them offering me help and assistance makes me feel like I'm below them - like I'm not as good as they are - and as such am a disappointment.

I know my parents are always willing to help; they have the means to do so and it's never been a big issue. But I've had friends who have been paying for all their own things since they were 16 or 17. I'm 23 and have a BS degree; I should be able to handle my own bills and finances. By not being able to do so, or by struggling to do so, I feel like I'm a failure. I feel like I'm not progressing as fast I should, which is really uncomfortable for me because throughout school I was always in the upper echelon of students.

I hate feeling like a failure. By asking for or accepting help from those I consider my peers, I feel like I'm not only a failure, but am openly admitting it. That's what I hate most of all.

1 comment:

Jen said...

Emo.

When you have children some day, wouldn't you want them to be able to accept your support without feeling like utter failures? Your parents made you and raised you; coming to them for help when you really need it isn't failing. It's their prerogative, as you are a product of them.

Being an adult isn't like flicking a switch, and no matter what age you are you can't disown your parents (unless of course there are other issues, but that's not what we're talking about here). They preserve the right to help you out until they die, and when they do die they give you what they have left. It's like that for everyone; not wanting parental support and feeling like you're losing because you sometimes need to resort to it is the opposite of mature.