Monday, May 19, 2008

Life moves pretty fast

I have to get up in about two hours [as of finishing this post, I have to get up in 1.3 .75 hours]. The reason is so I can get ready and be at the airport at about 5:30am to board a plane that's leaving at 7 for Phoenix where I'll begin my first day at my new job.

I. Can't. Sleep.

I lied in bed for over two hours. Part of the reason I can't sleep is because my room is currently sweltering and I left my fan at my parents' house when I moved. The main reason is because of anxiety about this job.

In order to pass the time, I've been reading my family and friends' weblogs. I've noticed that life really does move quickly. It was only a few years ago that I moved in with Jared after my freshman year of college. After that summer, Doug moved in, and a year after that Marvia got back from her mission and started dating Jared. Now they're expecting their second child.

A year and a half ago I didn't even know my sister was interested in anyone. Now she's married and is almost 6 months pregnant.

I suppose life moves by quickly at this stage. Most of the people I know are done with college and working. We're at the stage where the rails of education come off and we're left on this path without anything guiding us. It's up to us now. Taking classes, it was always easy to predict the next six months or the next year - you'd be taking more classes. You might not know exactly what classes you'd be taking, but you knew you'd just be taking more classes.

That's not an option anymore. Classes are done. Life starts here.

I suppose the next step of life - the next guidepost - is to get married. While that is a perceptively easy thing to do once you have found the right person, finding the right person is not so perceptively easy. Being a part of a singles ward does make it easier; you meet a girl and you know right away she's single. It takes away the initial part of meeting someone where you try to nonchalantly look at their ring finger to see if their taken. That's always awkward if they catch you looking. It's not exactly subtle.

Even when the girl is single, finding the right one is difficult. There's so much that goes into a relationship, so much that makes up a person, that it feels like playing roulette every time I ask a girl out. Yes, I know she's cute - that much is obvious and, I admit, probably the reason I asked her out to begin with - but does she like the same things I do? Is she the kind of girl who sits on the sidelines of sporting events with a smile on her face or the girl who jumps onto the field and charges down the ball? Will she challenge me to a game of chess and make me spend hours pondering my next move or would she just suggest we play Parcheesi? Can she sit down with a copy of Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, or The Chronicles of Narnia and then talk about it afterwards or would she rather just watch the movies and call it good?

Does she care about her health or does she just throw caution to the wind assuming she'll always look like she does now?

I suppose these are the things I think about and look for when I'm with a girl. Sadly, the girl I've gone on a couple dates with a girl whom I find incredibly attractive, but just doesn't match up with the kind of girl I want. We don't share interests. We don't share funny stories or plan activities. We don't have the same hobbies. We don't debate politics. We don't discuss our home lives. We don't talk much at all.

I want to be challenged. I want a girl who pushes me. I want a girl who philosophizes and who makes me grow. I want a girl who's my equal (if not my superior) who makes me want to be a better person. I want to wake up each morning and smile because I'm going to do whatever I can to be a better person so that I can be the best I can be - physically, mentally, and spiritually - for her.

I want her to look at me and say to herself "that's my man."

I know this isn't too much to ask. I had a girl like this once. It didn't work out for various reasons - whether or not it could have worked out I'm still unsure. But that's in the past. Now I'm looking ahead. For the first time, I feel like I'm actually looking for a partner in life. I'm looking for a girl who's my equal, whom I respect above all others and whom I strive to make happy.

admit that previously I've been somewhat shallow. If I found a girl attractive, I'd justify her personality and actions because I thought she was cute and wanted her to be the one for me. I went on a date with a girl I found absolutely beautiful and told myself that it was a fantastic night. In reality we hardly talked because there just wasn't anything we had in common and we really didn't get along. I wanted so badly for her to be the one for me that I told myself we could work out. We wouldn't have. Thankfully she saw it and told me "no" for a second date. It would have been ugly if we had been a couple.

I've started looking at girls and thinking how she'd be as a wife. I've started looking for girls with similar interests and complementary personalities. I've started looking at girls and pondering whether or not I could come home from work, give her a kiss and ask her how her day was.

I've started wondering what our kids might look like.

Real life starts here. And it moves pretty fast.


Gismya said...

Hmm.. Now I wish I was single, lived in Phoenix and was a girl.
Well not really, but what you search for in a girl sounds a lot like what I search for.
I'm with a girl like that right now, we can spend hours discussing physics and stuff like that.
It makes me a bit sad that I've found such a great match on the first try, because I know that it probably won't work out in the end - we're just to young. I wish I found her 4 years later >_<

But keep looking and you will find what you search for! And good luck with the new job.

Becky said...

Yes, life does move fast. I still stop and look around every now and then and say "I'm married! And I'm going to have a baby!"
Good luck with job training. And it sounds like you'll know the right girl when she comes along.

Marvia said...

Timmy! You said it, life is crazy fast!!! Every now and then I look at Jared and think, "Holy Crap, I married that boy I couldn't keep my eyes off of at church from 4 1/2 years ago!" Or I think, "Holy Crap, I'm going to have 2 kids with that boy I wasn't sure would even think twice about me." It happens very quickly. And all those years I wondered if "it" would ever happen. I look back and think I shouldn't have spent so much of my spare thoughts on being concerned about it. I should've spent more time developing myself in various areas. So I guess this long comment is to say, it'll definitely happen... just enjoy this time to develop yourself and create experiences that will add fulfillment to your future life. Love ya Timmy! :) P.S. Good luck with training!