Friday, July 25, 2008

Jack's Obsession

What does it all mean?

What does it mean to be an adult? Is it taking control of your finances, your bills, your expenses? Is self-sufficiency enough to be an adult?

There has to be more.

I keep see-sawing back and forth between feeling like I'm finally an adult and feeling like I never want to get out of bed. Every time I think things are starting to fall into place something happens to destroy the little world I've created for myself.

Most recently it's car insurance and registration. This isn't wholly unexpected or unforeseen. When I got my car last July I told my father I'd take over paying for it when I had the money. Well, in one sense of the word I have the money now. In another sense, I don't.

I'm trying to pay off some bills and save up some money so I'm no longer scraping the bottom of the barrel to make it through each month. I did well for about a month, but now with having to register my car and pay for insurance, that extra money I've saved up is going to be gone.

The company I work for provides health, life, dental, and eye insurance. They've even get a 75% discount on health insurance for getting a yearly physical and exercising (which I still need to get). While all of these things are considered "standard" for benefits at work, car insurance isn't. I can't figure out why. My only assumption is that car insurance is more expensive and companies don't want to take that burden.

The Ensign this month has a few articles on being single. One of the articles was written by someone I can only imagine is a single graduate student about the things he's learned and his advice. The issue is that getting advice from someone who's single about being single is kind of like getting advice on quitting smoking from a tobacco company. The converse doesn't work either: getting advice on being single from someone who's married doesn't bode well, either. Most of my married friends seem to have forgotten what it's like being single. I don't blame them for this; when I was dating Lindsey I had no idea what it was like to meet people or not have anyone to watch a movie with.

When people find that person they connect with, they forget how hard it was trying to find them. They might remember dating and being lonely, but that's about it. They assume that because they found someone that you will to. They assume that it's just a matter of not dating enough, not being outgoing, not making a move, or, the most insulting, not being worthy.

People don't understand what it's like being single in this world. It's not as simple as dating more or being more friendly or praying daily. I don't fit into the Provo crowd; I didn't fit into the Minnesota crowd. I'm stuck in this intermediate limbo.

I have friends here. I have a small group I hang out with regularly and people who honestly seem to care about me. The problem is I don't feel like anyone understands me. No one here really knows me. Maybe I'm spoiled because for over half my life I had the same group of friends - Lee, Peter, Will, John, Craig, Sam - most of whom knew me from grade school to college and as such they actually knew who I was. My brother and sister knew me when I was young but they didn't know me in high school or college.

I still don't feel at home here. I still don't feel like anyone knows me.

I guess that's what I've been searching for. I think that's what everyone is searching for: someone who knows them, who understands them. It's not a matter of love - you can love someone and not understand them. This is more personal. This isn't about someone just loving me because they should or because it's Christ-like. I don't want to be just a part of a crowd that's loved. I don't want to be included simply because I'm one of the group.

I want someone who wants to be with me because of who I am.

I found that once.

I don't know if I'll ever find that again.

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