Saturday, August 30, 2008

Halloween 2007

I hated the kids section.

When I worked at Barnes & Noble I worked with a girl named Lindsey Brockburg (I'm not sure if that's how she spelled her name, but whatever). She was really cool, had a great laugh, and loved her job as the lead of the kids books.

She also loved Halloween.

Halloween was her holiday. She would do small parties and some stuff for Christmas, almost nothing for Thanksgiving, and I don't think she cared much about 4th of July beyond having a good excuse to drink with friends. Halloween, however, she would go all out on.

Over the years of celebrating and throwing parties she had acquired a large amount of decorations, slowly adding to it each year with a new piece. She had the 6' ghoul statutes whose eyes light and laughs when you walk past. She had the severed limbs hanging from her porch door.

Not her house, but close.

She had the fog machine going so that it rolled down the blood-spattered steps and across the lawn with freshly dug graves. She had the fake spiderwebs throughout the house. She had the horror music CDs playing so that random creaks and screams would come from unknown corridors through previously unknown speakers. She had candles burning, providing haunting shadows that danced on the walls. She had all the lights gelled so they produced an eerie glow instead of welcoming light. She had the fake skulls on tables. She had the life-size Pennywise torso from Stephen King's IT.

Her Halloween parties were the stuff of legends. Legends.

But her decoration design had one flaw during the 2007 year.

Her house wasn't big. It was an older house, which helped add to the ambiance. The main floor is where most of the decorations were located - in the living room, dining room, and kitchen - while the bedrooms upstairs were lightly decorated, mainly used for talking and maybe watching a horror film or two. The bathroom was upstairs, next to the bedrooms, and knowing that it would be the most used bathroom during the night she didn't skimp on the decorations for it.

When I walked in I was greeted with a skull and some candles on the sink providing the only light in the room. Fake spider webs graced the doorway. The bathroom was like the house; small, older, and full of Halloween. As I entered I saw the sink to my left in front of me, the shower to my right. Closing the door I found the toilet located next to the sink and almost hidden behind the door. I also found the Pennywise torso.

She had hung it up behind the door, so when you walked in you couldn't see, but when you closed the door it was suddenly staring at you at eye level. She had the arms bent at the elbow, palms down, fingers grasping. It spooked me initially, but that was it's purpose. I raised the toilet and unzipped.

It was then that I noticed that Pennywise's arms were slightly longer than normal. Longer arms means the elbows don't bend at the usual location. They were, in fact, directly at crotch level.

He was reaching for my package.

I imagine if one was sitting on the toilet this wouldn't be an issue. The hands would be in eerily grasping in front of your face. However, while standing in front of the toilet and taking a piss, the hands were located immediately above my junk. The positioning was disturbingly perfect. There I was, on Halloween, taking a whiz, and Pennywise was positioned in such a way that, should the hands close, they would grab my johnson.

It made for one of the more awkward whazes I've taken in my life. I have never been more afraid that a doll would come to life for as far back as I can remember.

When I asked Lindsey about it, she broke out laughing and told me she hadn't even thought about that. She just thought it would be spooky.

I told one of my friends that taking a whiz was one of the most unnerving things I've done in awhile, when he asked why I told him to try it out. A minute later the whole house heard a voice from the upstairs bathroom yell "What the f***?!"

It was a great party. I'm sad I'll miss this year's.

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