Friday, October 17, 2008

I am Sol

It all revolves around me.

I'm quite self-centered. I don't think I'm self-centered in a truly bothersome or arrogant fashion. I like to think it's more oblivious and naivity than anything else. Perhaps cockiness and delusion, too.

I was talking to someone today and they said, "yeah, we were talking about you the other day." This caught me off guard: it does not consciously occur to me that people talk to each other when I'm not there. I generally just assume all life that I cannot see or am not in the presence of is on hold or in a null state of existence, simply going through the motions of life. The idea that life continues without me in a similar fashion as it does with me does not regularly factor into my thoughts. It's an entirely foreign concept to me.

This becomes more mind-boggling to me when I realize that people may not only be talking when I'm not present, but that they may be talking about me.

I don't mean to sound paranoid. My anthropomorphic armies of self-esteem are powerful enough to repel any invading thoughts that they may be saying bad things about me. Truthfully this army is perhaps too effective. I'll deal with it later; court marshals will be issued, testimonials heard.

In context with the idea that people talk and interact when I'm not around is the thought that perhaps womenfolk do so as well. Truly horrifying is that they may talk about me. Again, my impenetrable wall of pride repels all paranoid trebuchets armed with rocks of mockery or battering rams of insults.

My impregnable self-esteem.

(The wall blocks the former and a cauldron of boiling self-delusion takes care of the latter.) I am an impregnable fortress of confidence. Yet all this is so self contained that it does not occur to me that while they are talking they may actually be saying nice things about me. In building up so many defenses towards any hostile outside forces, I completely abandoned the concept that perhaps there are friendly kingdoms that wish to trade with my beloved fiefdom. (The U.S. has adopted a similar foreign policy with about as much success.) I tend to treat gift baskets from other monarchies the same way I treat flaming terracotta pots of Greek Fire hurled by cave trolls: both get met with a giant wall of indifference and ignored. Flaming bags of dog poo left on the doorstep are also best handled this way, too.

[is anyone sick of this metaphor yet?]

What this all leads up to is that it never occurs to me that someone may like me. It honestly doesn't. As far as I'm concerned girls don't think about me unless the girl has jumped in my lap or pushed me up against a wall and kissed me; both have historically had success in getting my attention. Most other methods have failed due to my medieval foreign policies.

I should be more conscious of the world around me. Well, not the world around me; I spent four years of college studying the world and I do pay attention to the people around me. I should pay attention to the people who aren't around me.

These things exist.

Of course by "pay attention" I mean "acknowledge they exist," which is harder than it sounds. I can't just suddenly acknowledge somethings existence. Have you ever tried acknowledging that giant isopods exist? It's like learning the Boogey Man exists and you just got lucky that he didn't live in your neighborhood. It shatters worlds.

I think I just compared realizing that humans exist to giant sea bugs. That's probably a good note to end on for today.

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