Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Stealth dating

Boys (and men) are deceptive.

I'm going to take this time and detail how we are deceptive. This may ostracize me from men everywhere but I feel it's important.

If you've seen the film When Harry Met Sally, you may remember this scene:

It's true. Men and women cannot be good friends*. Acquaintances who hang out occasionally, perhaps, or people who hang out in groups, yes. Good friends who just hang out together? No.

I have been, in the past, the nice guy whom girls have gone to when they're feeling down. The close guy friend who would comfort them, let them cry on my shoulder, remind them that not all guys are pigs and make them smile again. Then when they felt better and regained maybe a little faith in men, they'd go out and find another guy to date and I'd be left hugging my pillow on my bed watching The Princess Bride by myself. Why did I do this? Because I hoped -- I truly believed -- that one day when the girl was feeling down because another guy had cheated on her or dumped her or whatever, she would look at me and her mind would think "wow, he's the guy I've been looking for all along..." and fall in love with me then and there. It never happened. I was not comforting her out of a purely platonic respect and appreciation of her as a human being; I was doing it because I wanted her to see that I was the caring, funny, nice guy she keeps saying she wants. But when it came to dating, I was always told -- and I can quote this -- "You're such a good friend, I don't want to risk losing that. Why can't I find another guy like you?"

It sucked. It hurt. It may sound selfish, but I didn't particularly like it.

I have no problems comforting girls or making them feel better, but I get really sick of doing it when all they're going to do is go running to another guy who's going to do that to them. I would be there for them hoping that through the running mascara they'd look at me and realize that I'm the guy they've been searching for.

It's a stealth tactic. It's infiltrating the enemy's defenses secretly to try and gain valuable information which can later be exploited to achieve my own goals. It's intelligence recon. I'm no different than the guy who lies to the girl to her face telling her he's never going to hurt her -- I'm lying to her telling her I just want a friendship when in reality I want something more.

In the event a guy ever claims he wants nothing more -- or honestly believes it -- it's because he has officially given up that he'll ever get anything more. It's not that he doesn't want it, it's that he's resigned any chance of ever getting it and is taking the friendship consolation prize.

I've seen it happen to girls I've been with. There have been girls whom I've dated who have had good guy friends who assured the girl that they just want to be friends, and then weeks, even days, after we break up the guy is hitting on her. He didn't want just friends; he accepted just friends because she was taken, but it wasn't what he wanted.

I say this because there are girls I know I've done this to. There are girls I have, recently in fact, tried to do this to. And I don't want to. I don't want to be the guy who comforts the girl and makes her feel non-threatened because I'm really good at making it appear that I don't want her to be mine. I don't want to be the guy who leans in for the kiss while she's wiping away tears because her current boyfriend is such a jerk. I want to be honest with her from the start and for her to know how I feel; I want to be the guy she's with when she's happy and the guy who comforts her when she's sad. I don't want to lie that I just want a friendship. I don't want to deceive.

Men and women cannot be good friends. One person, the man or the woman, will always want more, even if only partially.

* = the addendum to this is that if one of the parties, the man or the woman, is gay. Gay friends are fantastic. They're a person of the opposite sex with which there are no chances of sexual interaction and as such all relationships with the opposite sex are platonic. I think every girl needs a gay friend and every guy needs a lesbian friend; they provide another genders views on things, another opinion, and there's no chance of anything happening. They're wonderful.


Gismya said...

Best blog post I've read in a long while. And unfortunately all to true.

I was during most of my teen years the guy who was the "friend". I was an ass just as much as any guy could be, because I pretended to not be interested, and tried to make them see that I was interesting. Makes no sense to do so when one puts it like that, but as you know it makes sense when you're in the middle of it. I know how painful it is to hear that you're "just a friend".

It changed when I found a girl I truely cared for and longed for the first time I met her. More then she was beautiful she was smart and funny. Smart girls are nothing I was all to used to, having lived in a backwards town with the worst school results in the country.

With her I was committed from the start that I wanted her, and I made that clear.

Almost 2 years later we are still together. If I ever find myself single again (But hoping not) I will try to not be the "friend" again to get someone.

On the other hand, while I believe you are right with the most thing I do believe that you can have female friends, you having an interest in them does not mean that it has to end :)
(Sorry if everything is incomprehensable, but I have a cold and a fever and is probably a bit out of my mind from that ;))

sqube said...

That's gospel fuckin truth right there; I've been that guy, too.

I'm just glad I finally matured to the point where, if I'm interested, it's absurdly obvious. That's not to say I won't accept the consolation prize, if it's all I can get. But I will make it abundantly clear that it's not what I'm shooting for.

Alisha said...

idk I know plenty of guy friends, not including you, who are only friends. Where the subject ahs come up, and has been confirmed we are just friends, no matter what. I mean plenty of which I knew while I was going throguh a break up, and they were single or about to break up. ANd nothing happened. It depends on the guy.
The reason it's so easy to do it that way, is because it's easy to nudge people to do waht you want when they are vulnerable.
I'm not saying I haven't had it happen to me... I'm just saying.