Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Drive

I know the feeling

Incubus was my favorite band in high school. I started listening to them shortly after Make Yourself was released. I still think it's one of my favorite albums, though I don't listen to it much these days. (Reading wikipedia I just found out it's also listed on the 1001 Albums to Hear Before You Die list.)

One of the most famous songs by Incubus comes from this album and is called "Drive." It has a good rhythm and a positive look on life. Brandon Boyd (lead singer) starts off with a line about how he's been feeling like fear has been controlling his life, leading and steering him around, and then how he feels like he should finally take the wheel and drive instead of letting fear do it. One of the verses ends with, "But lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive my light is found," and the chorus follows with, "Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there, with open arms and open eyes yeah."

Again, I know the feeling

I won't go into the lyrics since they're straightforward. What I will say is that I can relate. For the last few months--even the better part of the last year--I feel like I've been driving on a road, and while I know where I am, I don't have a destination. I wasn't lost. To be lost you have to not know where you are and usually have a destination in mind. Recently I knew where I was, but I didn't know where my life was going and as such I just went wherever I felt like going.

In the past couple weeks that's changed. I feel like I've finally taken control of my life and am starting to drive. In about a week I'll be out of debt with all my credit cards paid off, I've got a budget worked out for the next month covering rent, bills, extra expenses, and savings. Thanks to Will I've started to invest some money in companies (only in small, monthly increments since I can't afford more). I'm moving into my own place and in 5 months I start graduate school. For the first time in over a year I feel like I can look forward and say I'm in control of my life.

There is something dangerous about this. In the first episode of the show Frasier he's talking to a woman who's depressed about a breakup she went through, and after hearing her talk about it, he tells her that she's not sad about losing her boyfriend but about losing the life she thought she was going to have. Normally Frasier is just a good show with some witty humor that pokes fun at posh people, but occasionally genius bits of psychology and help slip through. I've always kept that in mind. While right now I feel like things are coming together, I'm trying to keep in mind that if plan A doesn't work, there's always plan B, and if plan B doesn't work there's plan C, and after C there's D and so on. While not everything in my life is dependent on everything else, there are some things that compound (for example, getting a job is currently reliant upon my completion of graduate school) and

Just drive.

if one of those foundational elements falls through, I need to remember that that doesn't mean everything will fall. I'm trying to get in the outlook that, yes, right now things are working, but if they don't work, that's ok, too.

For the first time in too long I feel like I'm finally getting my life together, and I'm happy about that.

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